ruhrenh1's Xanga

I'm Excited!

Wed, 06 Aug 2008 18:55:21 GMT

In just a little over 55 hours I will be arriving in the Philadelphia airport, where I will be picked up by my amazing boyfriend :) I am so excited! The closer I get to that incredible hour, the more incredible it seems that I will actually see him, and the more I miss him! I have never in my life been so excited to see someone! Everyone around me is becoming increasingly sick of hearing me say I'm excited, but I can't contain my excitement within! If you are around me for more than a few minutes you will probably hear me say I'm excited at least 5 times. I am sure the entire trip will be thoroughly enjoyable, mostly because I get to spend time with an amazing man, but also because I get to spend time with a good friend who has been out of town all summer and another that I haven't seen in a few years! Along with all that I will be experiencing so many new and exciting places and people! My stomach is in knots with excitement, and the nearer the time of departure comes, the less I am able to sleep! I don't sleep well before I travel anyway, but this is the most excited I've ever been! Thank goodness I don't have too many events scheduled before I leave so I can have plenty of time to try to relax before I go--try being the key word there ;) Amazingly I will have no problem fitting everything I want to take with me into my suitcase and carry-on. Yay for summer clothes being smaller... lol... In case you can't tell yet from this post--I'm excited! These next two days are going to drag until I leave... Good thing I have two incredible nephews and two sisters to hang out with!

Relief

Fri, 25 Jul 2008 20:08:42 GMT

I was able to get in to see the allergist sooner than expected due to a cancellation. I went in yesterday, and was told that along with severe seasonal allergies, I have asthma. I now have 5 different prescriptions, 4 of which I take daily, and 1 is for emergencies. My meds include not only one, but two inhalers (I now officially qualify as a dork! Lol). But I feel so much better! I think this has been an issue for a long time because the headache I've had for 12 years was suddenly pretty much gone after using a bronchiodilater (medicine to dilate, or open up the lungs). Another thing I was able to do: I took a truly deep breath for the first time in my memory. How amazing to realize the full capacity of my lungs for the first time! I can truly appreciate breathing! It is a miracle :)

More on being allergic to the Midwest...

Wed, 23 Jul 2008 16:03:11 GMT

It is incredibly frustrating to be so allergic to corn pollen. I can't get away from it, even in the middle of the city. I walk outside and immediately my eyes start burning. If I'm outside, including driving in my car for 15 to 20 minutes, I become shaky and extremely dizzy, as well as my throat being somewhat tighter. Today it's the worst it has been yet... I woke up shaky, and even with taking allergy meds I'm still a little shaky. I get dizzy off and on throughout the day, even when I stay inside. I'm going to see a nurse practitioner tomorrow and get an albuterol inhaler in case I have a severe emergency, but unfortunately the soonest I could get in to see an allergist is next Friday, August 1. And even more bad news with that... I have to be off of my current med, Zyrtec as of this Friday, and then off of all allergy meds as of the following Tuesday so that I can go through testing. I have to call and see about the inhaler, but I think I can still use that if needed.

What does all this mean for my life right now? It means I try to stay in the center of the city as much as possible... I can't go to some of the stores I normally go to, or even go see my sister and my nephews, who live on the edge of town. I limit my driving time to 10 or 15 minutes, with long periods of being inside at a time. I try not to go anywhere or do anything extra--I go to class, work, and home. I can't ride my bike, which is an activity I really enjoy... I can't go swimming outside. I enjoy being outside, but right now I'm afraid to... I don't like staying inside all the time, but I can't be outside. I normally drive with my windows down, but I can't do that... so I spend more on gas so I can have the a/c on in my car. It's really scary to be so shaky all the time... and know that there's really nothing more I can do about it as of now. I hate this feeling--that I can't really be myself right now. I honestly don't know that there's much that an allergist can do for me since it's such a severe allergy. They could give me allergy shots, which wouldn't help in the short term... it's more of building up long-term resistance, and possibly steriods, but even those are risky and not to be taken on a long-term basis, especially since I have a family history of severe reactions to steroid treatments.

All this just makes me feel like crying all the time... I don't, but I hate being so emotional all the time because usually I'm not. It's so hard to feel so helpless in such a serious situation. Depending on how much the allergist can help me with this, I don't know if I'm willing to be around the Midwest at this time next year. I really don't want to have to go through this again. So if they can't do much for me, or even if I have to feel like I do right now, I will be moving away from the Midwest probably at the beginning of July next year. I refuse to have to go through this again.

Allergic to Nebraska

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 11:30:23 GMT

It has become apparent over the last day that I am going to have to move away from Nebraska. At least from July through about mid-November every year. I have the unfortunate problem of being severely allergic to corn pollen. Do you know how hard it is to live in Nebraska when the corn is pollinating? I'm afraid that if I drive past a fully pollinating field I will go into anaphylactic shock. Yesterday I drove past a field that was almost to the point of pollination, although the tassels had not yet emerged, and yet my eyes instantly became itchy and my nose burned. Several hours later I drove past the same field, this time with my car windows up, and began feeling nauseous. My voice became scratchy and my throat started feeling tight too. I have found from experience that I cannot share a room with unshucked corn or my eyes will be itchy. I'm going to try to go see an allergist this week, and hopefully we'll get something figured out. I'd rather not die because I'm allergic to my state... not cool!

Distance

Sun, 13 Jul 2008 13:30:35 GMT

So I found out how hard it is to be away from someone you really care for and not be able to be there with them when they're having a bad day... It makes me cry. Especially since it's in my nature to want to comfort people... to hold them when they need it. But I can't because he's so far away :( I miss him.

Oh the insanity!

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 14:42:16 GMT

My life has been somewhat insane lately. Seriously. Even if I hadn't met someone amazing, it would still be crazy. I'm currently surrounded by numerous bags and boxes that have yet to be unpacked. I moved over the last few days to a different, and smaller apartment. I decided this was a good decision because it is forcing me to get rid of a lot of clutter (Yay!). I'm getting rid of lots of dishes and furniture especially. The furniture is already gone, picked up by strangers from the front lawn of my old apartment, lol. The dishes I will be taking to Goodwill, so someone else can use them. I decided I really don't need 3 sets of silverware, 30 plates, about the same number of cups, etc. I can seriously get by with a lot less. And that means I won't have so many dishes to pile up in the sink! As far as furniture goes, I got rid of a couch, a small easy chair, a desk and computer chair, and a kitchen table and four chairs. I already feel better having less things to take care of! Now I just have to find space to put everything else that I didn't get rid of... and continue getting rid of things I don't need. I'm excited to do this all, because the next move I make will probably not be another place here. I will either move to another city/town instate, or move to the east coast. Yeah, I'm leaving my options open. In any case, I'd rather not have to move so many things again... it's a pain in the back, literally.

Another part of my life that has been crazy lately is work. I can't work where I do much longer, in fact, I'm probably going to give my two week notice this week. Or maybe I should wait until the end of the pay period... I could just give a three week notice... I'm taking a CNA class this month anyway, so it's not like I won't be doing anything, and once that's over I can start working as a CNA somewhere. I do think I'll fill out applications, but not start working until after I get back from New York, which will be around the 14th or 15th I think. If I quit on the last day of this pay period, I'll get paid on the 18th, which should get me through the rest of the month of July and part of August, maybe. I don't know... all I know is that all the conflict at work is starting to make me sick. I don't want to give up on the girls that I work with, but there is a huge conflict between their mother and staffing services that is starting to explode. We'll see what the future holds.

Anyway, I'm tired of talking about how crazy my life is right now. Plus I have errands to run and possibly a nap to take ;) Have a blessed day!

Amazing Blessings :)

Fri, 27 Jun 2008 00:41:08 GMT

I decided that amazing is my new favorite word. I've probably overused it over the last five days, but it's the only word I can think of to describe what has happened over these last few days. To put a long and random story short, I met this guy who I can only describe as being amazing. And I can only really explain what's happened by pointing to God :) I can't think of any other explanation for why we met or how this all happened other than it was a divine appointment set up by God.

Since I'm sure you all want to hear the story, I will humor you in retelling it for about the hundredth time (I kinda enjoy telling it, I'm not gonna lie). Before I went to hang out with some friends, I dropped my younger sister off at one of her friend's houses because she didn't want to walk and it was too close to campus to drive. After I was done hanging out with my friends, I went back because she had mentioned maybe wanting a ride back to campus, so I figured I'd try to find her. There were two houses of people that were all hanging out, and I went to her friend's house first to find her. Some people there told me that they hadn't seen her in quite a while, but to check next door. So I went next door to ask about her. There were a few people standing outside talking, and when I asked if they had seen her, one of the guys started helping me look for her. We looked in both houses, and then asked her friend where she was and were told that she had walked back to her room. I decided to just stay for a few minutes, so I went inside and found her phone. The guy that helped me try to find her, turns out his name is Kyle, and I started talking. I showed him all the videos of my nephews on my sister's phone (which I hadn't seen yet). Then someone walked in with a cinnamon melt from McDonald's, which is one of my favorite snacks. I was kinda hungry at the time and when asked, Kyle said he'd never had one. So we went to get some (delicious by the way). While we were waiting in the drive through, we started listening to music on my phone (Samsung Hue), which has amazing speakers for a phone, and we realized that we like all the same music. We kept talking and listening to music, and somehow it happened that I drove him out to a spot that I sometimes go to look at the stars. Amazing! I didn't get home until about 5:30 that night. But the lack of sleep was entirely worth it :)

Over the next few days, we hung out every moment that we possibly could. We kept finding things we have in common-food we like, movies we enjoy, conspiracy theories (lol) and so much more. I found out that he's an actor from New York that does mainly music theater (I love musicals!) and his family lives near Lincoln. He loves poetry (I'm a poet) and I love singing (obviously he does too) and I love experiencing the beauty of God's creation (him too!). Go figure... It even turns out through more conversation that our strengths and weaknesses compliment each other. Simply incredible. I can honestly say I've never felt so strongly about anyone before, and it all feels right. Before you just say I'm crazy and this relationship will never work, I understand where you're coming from--I think I'm crazy too, but I'm trusting that whatever happens, God has a plan and I will be blessed, even if that means not being with Kyle.

I can't describe to you in words how I feel--all I can say is he makes my heart want to sing praises to God more than anyone I've ever known, and I want to be more myself around him than anyone else. This is a new experience for me because generally I end up changing my interests even just a little bit to be more in line with other people that I'm hanging out with. I haven't felt the need or even wanted to when I'm around him. The last five days were the most incredible and amazing days I've ever experienced. He went back to the East Coast today, and as much as I miss him, I know that this season of being apart will help us to grow and know more clearly what God has planned for us. Whether that be with him or not, I know that my life will never be the same again.

Today

Mon, 12 May 2008 15:00:47 GMT

My life today is different than I could have ever imagined it. So many things I thought would happen didn't, and things I thought wouldn't happen did. Any plan I ever had for my life has not come to fruition and as I contemplate this I am yet again reminded that my life is not my own. I am no more in control of my life than I am in control of where the wind blows. And in this I am comforted. This may seem strange to you, but I know that every time I have tried to control my life I have failed miserably at it-becoming more and more miserable with each day. While this could lead to despair and hopelessness in what we call life, instead it brings hope because I know that Someone else is in control. All I have to do is show up willing to participate. In this truth I am blessed. And yet I do not regret the times that I tried to be in control--I learned more about myself and my God in these times than I could have otherwise. I can understand more fully the grace and forgiveness that are offered to me. I am now free to fully be what He created me to be. For so long I was just a shadow, not fully visible to anyone, not even myself. And I was... I would change myself to fit whoever I happened to be hanging out with, simply because I did not feel they would really like what they saw if they truly saw me. But I am not now, nor will I ever be a shadow again. What a beautiful thing it is to be me, a unique creation of the Almighty! It has been a long and arduous journey to find myself, and the journey is far from over, but what joy it is to know that it is my own journey, that no one else has the same journey, and that I am not alone in my journey! My God is with me every step of the way, leading me to a glorious destiny! I don't have to know what the journey holds because I know where it leads--to my God, and I know that my journey is the only way I can get to Him. So for today and all my tomorrows I'll keep on walking. Some days I may stumble, some days I may fall, but my God will always be there to pick me up and lead me on to His throne, and when I get there, oh the stories I'll be able to tell! Every scar I pick up along the way will be another testament to His faithfulness. Every flaw and imperfection I carry will become a perfect mark of love from my King.

The last couple weeks

Sat, 10 May 2008 18:04:44 GMT

The last couple weeks have been very exhausting. Last week was dead week at school (the week before finals) but instead of going to my classes I went home. I mentioned in a previous post why. Last weekend I got home late Saturday night and was surrounded by tons of family until Tuesday. I don't know if many of you have experienced this, but especially if you have an introverted personality like mine it can be exhausting. I was overstimulated by all the people and the noise. I'm still trying to recover. I had finals on Wednesday and Thursday that I think went alright, but we'll see when I get my grades back. Thankfully I'll just be working now through the rest of the month so I should have plenty of time to catch up on sleep and cleaning that has kinda fallen behind with everything going on for the last couple weeks. Sorry for the random rambling of this post--it's a byproduct of my still tired mind. Anyway, be blessed!

Grandpa

Sat, 03 May 2008 15:28:02 GMT

My grandpa passed away yesterday morning. He had been in a coma since Tuesday with a subdural hematoma, which is basically internal bleeding causing pressure on the brain. He had not been feeling well over the last five years or so, suffering from a lot of dizziness and severe headaches. It was his wish to not receive any life saving treatment, especially since his brain was damaged by the hematoma and he wouldn't have been able to recover fully from it. So all week our family gathered and kept vigil while his body slowly shut down and he finally passed on yesterday at 11:12 am. Most of us were able to be there for at least a while, although one of my cousins couldn't come until today. It was a blessing for my grandma to have so much of the family around, and I know she's thankful that grandpa doesn't have to suffer anymore. It'll be different and sad going to grandma's house without grandpa being there, but fortunately we had lots of time to prepare ourselves for yesterday. Someday I hope to see him again, and that day will be joyous and full of rejoicing. I'm thankful for all the good memories I have with him and that he was able to live long enough to meet my nephews. I know he was proud of all of his family and he loved us all very much. I thank God for the blessing that my grandpa was in my life.